


Do It For Them

by Riddle



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorder, Fluff, Hospital, Mentions of Suicide, Recovery, Self Care, Sickness, feel good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-04-05 17:43:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4189029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riddle/pseuds/Riddle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan passing out at a fan event shows the toll that fame and the pressure of never wanting to disappoint his fans has taken on him. Phil tries to help him get back to himself and help him get his priorities straight. But it becomes clear that there are more problems that originally thought even once Dan decides he wants to get better. (Phanfiction Awards 2015 Nominee in Best Fic and in Best Angst)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hearing the sound of the screaming fans out in front of the curtain made Dan’s heart do the samba. He could hear individual voices chanting his and Phil’s name. He wave of rhythmic clapping that erupted from the crowed protruded the curtain and rang in Dan’s ears. Dan knew about crowds and he didn’t usually feel like this, he didn’t really know why but he felt a surge of dizziness wash over him, and he began to feel lightheaded.

“You alright Dan?” asked Phil 

“Yeah yeah, just a little sick or something, I’ll be fine though.” 

“You sure?”

He nodded weakly. 

Dan didn’t really want to tell Phil but his schedule the past few months had been insane, and he hadn’t had the easiest time with self-care. He had no idea how much sleep he had gotten over the past few days but he knew it wasn’t much, and he couldn’t even remember the last time that he got a chance to eat something. He’d been completely swamped editing and filming videos, planning their live shows for their tour, revising chapters in their book and still planning and writing BBC Radio shows. He had been overwhelmed and he wasn’t ready to admit that yet. 

“You guys ready?” asked a stage crewmember in a black shirt 

“Yeah!” Phil said confidently “Lets rock it.”

He held up a hand for Dan to high five, and it didn’t register for a moment or two until Phil said 

“Dan? High Five?” In a worried tone

“Yeah right, sorry.” He slapped Phil’s open palm meekly and grabbed a bottle of water from a cooler before stepping out onto stage. 

Once the spotlights hit Dan the crowd erupted into even louder cheers. Dan could make out clumps of fans holding signs and jumping like they were at a rock concert. A small part of Dan smiled when he saw that and was reminded what all of his work was for. 

He walked up to center stage and took a microphone from a mic-stand. Phil stood by his side and did the same. On what were only a few steps to the side to some stools, Dan could feel his legs going numb. While there was really only a few more feet to go Dan felt another wave of light headed ness his knees buckle, and he collapsed onto the ground and began to black out. 

He heard a gasp from the audience, but they also sounded faded and so far away. 

“Dan!” came the muffled sound of Phil’s voice as he knelt down beside Dan, quickly coming to his aid. 

Just as he began to lose consciousness he found barely the strength to respond 

“Phil…”

What came next was a lot of rushing; he could just barely register being taken away by some EMTs and being hurled into an ambulance. Hearing the ringing of the sirens brought back some dizziness and Dan fell back into darkness. 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The sound of a heart monitor was the next thing that Dan heard. He opened his eyes slightly, having to squint because of the bright sterile hospital lights. 

Around him he only saw a blank room, white walls with a single Monet replica hanging on the far wall by the door. The window shades were shut and the TV was on but Dan couldn’t focus on what show was on. The room looked empty at first, but as Dan strained to twist his neck he saw Phil curled up in a ball in a chair at his bedside. 

He sucked in a huge breath and wheezed something that was meant to sound like “Phil.”

The many tubes connected to him stopped his far range of motion, and the cannula in his nose made it hard to talk without sounding like his nose was plugged. He found immediately that his throat was horribly sore and felt like when he had had Step Throat two years before. 

“Phil,” he wheezed again

His brightly dressed friend stirred from his light sleep and opened his eyes a crack, then all at once. 

“Dan!” He said sitting up straight so fast he almost fell out of his chair. “You’re awake!”

“What…h-happened?” he asked weakly, his throat feeling like he had swallowed hot coals. 

“You don’t remember?”  
Dan cringed a little “Live show…” he whispered 

“Yeah that’s right,” Phil encouraged “You passed out on stage. You’ve been out of it for about a day…”

Dan groaned on both the inside and the outside. 

Phil smiled widely at Dan who felt like and idiot lying in this bed. But Phil’s smile faded into concern though as he puzzled over what to say next. He furrowed his brow and though carefully like he was making a hard decision. 

“Dan…” he started hesitantly at last “The doctors said that you were exhausted…that you hadn’t slept you eat for what looked like a long time. They uh…they said that you were malnourished and sleep deprived.”

Dan didn’t really know what to say, he knew things had been hard but he though surely it couldn’t have been that serious. He had only really skipped a few meals and missed a few hours of sleep…right?

“Are you okay?” Phil said finally making a point 

“Throat hurts.” He gasped 

Phil smiled again, laughing. 

“I’ll get a Doctor.” He promised

As he left though, Dan could see the smile fade again into something else entirely. 

Dan listened to his heartbeat in silence letting the rhythm pass the time as he tapped along with his index finger on his leg.

The doctor finally came in greeted Dan. She was a tall woman with black heels and her hair tucked up neatly into a bun. 

“Hello Mr. Howell, you gave quite a few people a scare here,” she said, “Including your friend here and apparently several thousand teenage girls.”

Dan felt a wave of guilt wash over as he thought of all of the disappointed fans that he was missing out on. He did what he did for them, and he didn’t like to let them all down like this. 

“We admitted you with exhaustion and malnourishment,” She said looking over the chart from the foot of his bed. “We gave you a mild sedative to help you sleep once we knew you weren’t in any serious danger, and he gave you an IV drip to help get your electrolytes back on balance.”   
Dan was silent, he didn’t know if he was supposed to thank her or say sorry or what…the whole situation felt awful.

“It looks like all of your numbers are back up to where they should be, so we could release you, but I think we should probably hole you here over ni-“

“I’m ready to go.” Dan said fervently sitting up, suddenly possessing the strength to move his own body again. The thought of getting out and going back to the convention filled his up with happy energy. 

“Dan, don’t be stupid,” Phil said with genuine trepidation “You woke up like five minutes ago, shouldn’t you adjust?”

“The fans are waiting,” he said trying to speak normally again “I don’t want to disappoint them.” 

“You could never disappoint them Dan, they just want you to be well again, like we all do. I think that means staying here, at least for now, maybe he can go in a few hours, but give yourself time to adapt.” 

“A few hours then.” Dan promised, giving into Phil. 

“Okay,” said Phil apprehensively “a few hours.”


	2. Chapter 2

They waited at the Hospital for a few more hours, just until Dan was feeling stronger. He still felt the stiffness in his muscles and the throbbing in his head, but the sickness and dizziness that had landed him here was gone. 

“How are you feeling?” Phil asked as he packed up some of his things into a bag 

“Fine,” he lied “Kind of humiliated though.”

“Yeah that’ll happen I suppose.” Phil said sharply 

Dan was hesitant for a few seconds as he watched Phil move around the room with stiff joints, so that he walked like some kind of rusted automaton. 

“How are you?” Dan found himself asking for the first time. He hadn’t really thought of asking his friend how he was yet, it didn’t occur until that moment that maybe Phil was mad and Phil was scared and Phil didn’t enjoy seeing his friend in a hospital bed, unconscious. 

“I don’t know Dan, how would you be if that had been me passing out on stage, and me in that bed because I’m not taking care of myself? How would you feel if I had been sick and never even…” he stopped, with his back turned, maybe to blink away tears “Never even told you that I needed help!”

Dan was completely silent. 

“Phil…I-“ Dan started before Phil cut him off

“Don’t say anything Dan,” he said almost defeated “Just don’t say anything.” He breathed heavily but finally dropped his shoulders in surrender and said in a far kinder softer tone “Do you need help getting your shoes on?”

“Yeah.” Was all Dan could manage to say. 

As Dan filled out his discharge papers, their Doctor caught up with them and gave Dan a pair of aluminum crutches to help him get around. Dan nodded awkwardly as if it was unnecessary, but was truly thankful because he still felt weak in his limbs. 

Phil called on a Taxi and they piled into the back and gave the address of the convention. 

“So, I think we can still hit the meet and greet with the fans,” Phil said slowly “I mean if you’re up to it?” 

“I can handle it.” Dan said thoroughly enjoying the idea of seeing some fans again. 

“Okay…” Phil said hesitantly 

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes and all that they could hear was passing road noise and the muffled radio playing in the car.

Dan cleared his throat finally breaking some obvious tension “So what should we tell people happened?”

Phil shrugged automatically “I guess that’s up to you.”

Dan looked down at his feel for a while before pulling out his phone and drafting a tweet to inform his fans that he was “alright” and “just suffering from some exhaustion and food poisoning”. Which was partially true so he didn’t feel quite as bad about lying. He just wanted to fans to know that he would be at the meet and greet, and that he was doing okay.

It shouldn’t have taken long to get to the convention hall after arriving at the center, but walking while depending on crutches was both slow and confining. Not to mention painful after a while.

But when they finally entered the hall and they saw the long line of teenage girls and boys and friends of his from other channels, he felt better. Everyone was decked out in phandom merch and it made Dan’s heart feel a little lighter and warmer. Some had posters and custom shirts that said things like “Get well soon Dan!” and “Feel better Dan!” in glitter glue and marker. 

At the first sight of Phil and Him, the line erupted into screams. Dan felt so horrible hobbling up to the table with his crutches, but he felt better once he sat and got to talk to so many amazing people. 

“I am so glad you’re doing better Dan!” said one brunette girl named Kristen who had drawn cat whiskers onto her face and nose. 

“I was so worried about you,” admitted another fan named Sophie with blonde hair and an anime T-shirt. 

In that afternoon alone Dan counted thousands of autographs and hundreds of pictures and videos taken. By the end of the meet and greet he felt euphorically high off of adrenaline and exhilaration. He couldn’t feel any pain in his body and he felt like he had the strength of ten men, which was rare especially for him. 

As they left the hall Dan turned to Phil. Rubbing the back of his head clumsily he thanked Phil for letting him come.   
“I’m not your mother Dan,” Phil said cuttingly 

Dan felt a stab in his side as his friend’s harsh words hit him. Dan suddenly realized that Phil hadn’t wanted Dan to come to the meet and greet.

“I don’t control your actions,” Phil continued “Clearly…”

They walked side by side like always, but they lacked the jokes and merriment that they usually had an excess of. 

Once they reached their hotel room at the other end of the center, things didn’t really change. They got in and got settled like always, but the lack of laughter and joy made it seem so much less exciting. Dan regretted every time he breathed too loudly, like everything he did was an imposition on Phil. He tried not to make any wrong steps; he almost shivered at the idea of trying to go into the bathroom at the same time and accidentally blocking the door. 

Phil reached for the light switch, just for a second making eye contact with Dan. His normally gleeful tri-colored eyes felt harsh and steely in that moment. They judged him and they seemed to decide that he had failed their test. Dan realized he had disappointed Phil with his choice to risk his health for the Fans again. 

The lights went off, and the room went dark. Embraced in the darkness, Dan turned to one side on his mattress and felt a pain as his form twisted. Somehow he didn’t really care though. He didn’t want to let any of his fans down, which was the whole point of this! But in that process of overworking and giving 110% he realized that he had let down his number one fan…and that was something he couldn’t seem to forgive himself for.


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of the convention went by in a blur; it was just one more panel the next day, some walking around the convention floor and some autographs and photo ops. It was frankly Dan’s favorite part of going to Cons. It all felt so easy, everything was unrehearsed and casual; he wasn’t being anything or expecting anything. He just got to be himself, whatever that meant.

Phil’s mood had calmed down over the following day. He was still mad and a little bit hurt, that much was obvious, but at the same time he was talking to Dan again and he was back to cracking jokes and smiling the way that only Phil Lester knew how.

Once everything was over, they had to pack up at and leave the hotel. Dan was ready to get home to London, and get some peace and quiet. There had been a massive end of Con party the night before, but Dan and Phil had elected to not attend. Even though Dan had only declined his invitation to show Phil that he wasn’t being reckless with his health, when he saw Cat and Zoe he next morning as they were leaving, Dan felt glad he’d chosen a quiet night in. The black crescent shapes under their eyes seemed to pull down their entire face into a droopy frown. Their movements were sluggish and they jumped or cringed whenever a phone rang or a door closed near them. 

“Bye Cat,” Dan said as they closed their hotel room door with their bags in tote.

“Ugh…” Cat responded like a zombie on Quaaludes 

It was a short taxi ride to the airport, and security was a breeze that day. Once they were on the plane Dan finally built up enough courage to talk to Phil about what happened. 

“Phil,” he said, “I think we should talk about everything…just to get it all out there, so you can start to forgive me.”

His friend’s blue eyes turned on him with surprising force. 

“Is that what you think is happening here?” Phil hissed, “You think I’m mad at you?!”

Dan suddenly regretted his choice of words, and his timing as many passengers turned around in their seats to stare. 

Dan swallowed hard. “Well yeah…”

“Dan I’m not mad at you,” Phil said, “I’m disappointed.”

“What are you my mother?” Dan scoffed “What do you mean ‘disappointed’?” 

Phil clenched his fists together. 

“Hell yes I am disappointed.” There was anger in his voice that was harsh and unfamiliar “I’m disappointed that you put your personal well being behind your image, I’m disappointed that you waited until you were on the verge of starvation and exhaustion to the point where you actually passed out before ever reaching out for help.”

Dan tried to interject, but Phil was on a tangent now and Dan couldn’t get a word in edgewise. 

“I’m disappointed that you only want to talk about it because you think the after effects of your choices are personally uncomfortable and you find the results of your actions unpleasant, I am disappointed that you couldn’t find the courage or the trust or whatever to reach out to me your best friend in the world when you needed help and I am damn disappointed that through all of this you have yet to once acknowledge that you have an actual problem which scares me because that means you might do it all over again!” 

Dan put his head down to stair at his feet, in shame a habit he found himself doing more and more. There wasn’t a false word in what Phil was saying, but Dan couldn’t seem to accept it. 

“Phil, I didn’t think that putting off a few hours of sleep or a few meals was a problem,” Dan admitted, “I just wanted to do my job, because its something that I actually enjoy.”

“The things that you enjoy shouldn’t land you in the hospital Dan!” Phil said loud enough for everyone to hear “There comes a point when a hobby becomes an obsession, and I think the line gets drawn at when you chose your hobby over eating and sleeping and basic self care. You have crossed that line Dan.”

Dan sank back into his seat, trying to ignore Phil’s severe words. Soon after, the Captain made his announcement and the attendants gave their safety speech. Once the plane initiated take off, Dan muttered something under his breath that he was sure Phil couldn’t hear, but he was wrong. 

Well you were the one that introduced me to YouTube, so this is all your fault. 

Those whispered words hit Phil harder than a punch in the stomach, and they knocked the wind out of him just the same. 

Dan just looked out the window, unaware that his words had been heard. He wished for a few moments that he could be anywhere but here. His seat suddenly felt confining and a wave of uncomfortable torridness washed over him. He thought about being on stage that night, the terrible dizziness that he felt. He thought about the sick to his stomach feeling that he got which ached his entire body. He remembered feeling like he was going to throw up, and he remembered a hot flash, just like this one, before he went down hard. The blackness that he fell into was terrifying, he felt lifeless the whole time but somehow he remembered consciousness. He felt a cold shiver run down his spine as recalled all of that moment. It was a concoction of such misery and panic, that he didn’t want to experience it again. He didn’t want to be sick; he didn’t want to have something wrong with him. He just wanted to live the life that he thought he would be living forever, the one that he had planned to live. 

The flight lasted many hours, and for the first few Dan sat in silence. He felt nauseous, thinking about everything that he had done. He felt his hands and knees shaking and he felt tepid sweat roll down his neck. 

He sat there in that silence trying to be angry for as long as he could, until his memories compelled him forward. He felt a flash of bravery hit him like a moving train, and he decided to hop on board. 

“Phil I’m sorry,” he blurted out suddenly “I didn’t think about you, and that was my fault. You matter to me Phil, you do. I should have confided in you, but I couldn’t admit to myself that there was something wrong. I-I…I didn’t want there to be.”

Phil’s eyes opened wide in awe. 

“I don’t want to put myself in front of my work,” Dan continued “I just want to do something that I love, and not have it slowly kill me.”

The corner of Phil’s eyes started to fog over and Dan could feel a wave of tears behind his own. Shaking he rode out his last bout of bravery and adrenaline to finish before breaking down into tears. 

“I’m sorry Phil.” He said before letting his anxieties and fears pour out of him 

The corners of Phil’s mouth seemed to tug up like a marionette attempting a smile, but he put his hand on Dan’s knee first and looked him straight in the eye. 

“Then say it Dan.” 

“I have a problem Phil…” he said convulsing, his shoulders bobbing up and down in rhythm with his quickening heart beat 

“And…?”

Dan thought about the dryness in his eyes and the static in his brain. He thought about the soreness in his muscles and the aching in his stomach. He thought about how no sleep and no food made him feel, and he never wanted to feel that cold and that lifeless again. 

“And I want to get better.”


	4. Chapter 4

They’d been back home for a few months now. Things had been going well. Sleep was being had; food was being eaten and for the first time since the convention, Phil was thinking that things were finally back to normal. 

Phil could hear Dan messing around in the kitchen, no doubt making cereal dinner. He laughed a little to himself, it was one of those things that Dan did that defined him. His bizarre love of cereal transcended the time of day; to Dan it was a proper meal at any point no matter the time. Remembering that this action, though odd objectively, meant that Dan was still being himself provided some needed comfort. 

The first few days and weeks hadn’t been easy for either of them. Phil only ever wanted to help; he was long over being mad and just wanted his friend back. Dan was struggling though, and Phil didn’t always know how to help. Dan seemed anxious a lot, he was always pacing around and tapping his fingers in whenever there was calm, it was like he couldn’t stand to be alone with his thoughts. 

They did the best they could though. They tried eating meals together to create a schedule, and going to bed at the same time too. It didn’t always work, but it made things manageable for a while. No one could say that Dan wasn’t trying, but he seemed to torment himself far more than whatever really plagued him did though. He didn’t laugh as much as he used to, his hobbies went untouched and un-continued. Like he couldn’t bear to try something and fail at it, he wasn’t as daring or brave as before. Whatever he was doing to himself stopped him from enjoying things. Watching his friend suffer and watching Dan’s laptop and his video games gather dust stung like a knife in the side. So whenever Dan seemed cheery and normal, like today, Phil celebrated in quiet for some normalcy after the storm. 

Phil was just uploading a new video when something occurred to him. He hurried to open a new tab to check his hypothesis and to his own dismay he was correct. Dan’s channel hadn’t been updated since the incident. “Last Updated: 3 Months” read some small gray numbers in the top corner of the screen. 

“Nothing?” He whispered just to himself

That couldn’t be right. He tried Dan’s second channel and found nothing but old videos long out of date. He couldn’t quite believe it. 

“Dan!” Phil called from their computer room upstairs “Could you come here for a second?”

Phil heard Dan’s footsteps coming up and the door open. His friend stepped into the light. 

“Yeah Phil?” he said, “What’s up?” 

“When was the last time you made a video?” Phil asked cautiously 

The color drained from his friend’s face. His eyes dropped to the floor, his jaw unhinged and muscles seemed to loosen. 

“Um,” he started slowly “I don’t really know…”

He spoke like a child being scolded by his parent, trying to explain his actions and failing. There was a shame to his words that was haunting. 

“Your channel hasn’t been updated since before…” Phil said trying to step carefully “You know…the convention.”

Dan swallowed hard. 

“Yeah you know…” he stuttered “Just taking a hiatus…”

Phil felt his heart sink a little. He had thought things were at least normal-ish. But he could see that just because Dan was trying didn’t mean that he was winning. He still couldn’t force himself back into the camera, like he was too afraid of rejection and failure to try again. 

“Dan…” Phil said softly “Why?”

“B-because…I don’t want to let them down.” He said honestly “I’m kind of a mess right now and I’m starting to think that I have been for quite some time, I don’t want that to come through. I don’t want to make a video until…until I’m back to feeling happy and carefree like I used to. I want to be the Dan that they want to see, the Dan that they love, not…this.”

“Dan they would love you no matter what.” 

He just shrugged. Phil could see that his words were just bouncing off of his exterior they weren’t really registering. 

 

“They really would you know.” Phil said supportively “Isn’t your channel a ‘support group’ after all? Maybe that’s just what you need.” 

Dan just nodded absently though, like he had already left the conversation. Phil cursed himself in that moment. He had been blind and horribly naïve. He thought that just because his friend was eating and sleeping that he suddenly OK again, when it was clear that he wasn’t. He didn’t really understand what was going through Dan’s head, but he that he was suffering in silence and refusing help. It wasn’t right. 

Dan turned to leave his head hung low and his shoulders slumped in defeat. Phil yelled one more thing after him though once his was half way down the stairs. 

“They would love you you know.” Phil said, “Some of them might learn something from you, it might be worth while. I hate to see you like this.” 

Dan felt those last words in his chest. The hollowness in his body seemed to echo the words like a chasm. He hated to see himself like this too, he was a joke. He was a YouTuber who didn’t make videos, he was an Internet personality too afraid to go online and he was a cult leader too afraid to lead his following. 

He shut his bedroom door behind him and slumped up against it, sliding down its surface until he was crouched with his knees into his chest. The room was dark and disorienting, the only lights were some cords and cables from his camera and lights in the corner. They seemed to glare at him in the darkness. Their orange and yellow lights mocking him, yelling that he was too much of a coward to use them and do the thing that used to give him limitless joy. 

He didn’t know why he couldn’t, but every time he looked at his camera he felt an ache throughout his body. He couldn’t stand the idea of getting in front of it again, talking as if nothing had happened or even worse telling them everything. He was a joke of a person and he didn’t need the rest of the world to know it too. He couldn’t do anything right. He tried to give everything his all and he failed, putting himself in the hospital in the process. If he couldn’t do everything then why should he do anything? He wasn’t capable of having it all, clearly. So why try to? Or why pretend to be able to?

He was living a lie and he knew it. He wasn’t who his viewers wanted him to be, he wasn’t anything anymore. 

“Shut up.” He hissed bitterly at the lights and crawled into his bed. 

He stayed under his comforter for as long as he could, until the heat was unbearable. Breaking into the air again, he caught the sight of his laptop sitting on his desk with a thin layer of dust on top. Shaking he found himself unsteadily on his feet with the laptop already in his hands. A wave of apprehension hit him as he opened the screen and typed in his password. 

He sat on his bed, and carefully pressed each key slowly spelling out “Youtube.com” into the search bar. He was still logged in to his account, and in the box that read subscribers was something that stung worse than any other pain. He wasn’t always sure exactly how many people followed him, but he knew it used to be hundreds of thousands more than now. They had all left. A hundred thousand people left him. In three months of absence they had all left. His “support group” was leaving him piece by piece. The people that he had always tried to help, the people that he devoted his life to were leaving him in a mass exodus like they couldn’t get away fast enough from him. 

“Love me no matter what.” Dan said jeeringly, hearing Phil’s words in his ears. They didn’t love him, they hated him and they wanted to get as far away from the train wreck that he is as soon as they could. 

Dan stared at the subscriber number until he couldn’t bear it anymore. They pressed refresh and the number shrank again. His eyes widened and he felt a layer of tears come to the surface of his eyes. 

Everything he had every worked for, gone. 

He hadn’t meant to, and he didn’t really know how it had happened, but somewhere along the way he ended up in his bathroom. The sickness engulfing him and the queasiness taking over. He felt himself throw up into the toilet, and between silent sobs he realized that it didn’t even hurt. Nothing did. He couldn’t feel anything anymore. He was numb.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan was lying on his bed. He was still head to toe in pajamas; complete with miss matched off-white socks. He was tossed onto his side, one side of his face completely buried in his pillow. He had shut his eyes, but he wasn’t sleeping. In truth he hadn’t really slept well in a long time. It had gotten worse over the past few nights, especially after checking his YouTube channel a couple of days ago. 

What he was feeling, he didn’t really know, but he knew it hurt. Before, when it had all started, he had felt shame and guilt, but now he was feeling emptiness and weariness. He couldn’t seem to find to energy to care about much of anything, he didn’t even know if he wished that he could or not. 

The sun was coming in through his bedroom curtains, and he could hear workers outside doing so construction for the residents downstairs. The world was still moving on around him, and he envied it. 

When his phone rang later than morning alerting him to a video chat request, he still hadn’t moved. The ID tag read “Phil” and Dan smiled a little bit, because this would probably be the best part of his day. He swiped to accept the call.

“Hey Dan!” Phil said cheerily. 

Phil had gone off to Florida with his family for their annual trip, he had in fact invited Dan to join him, but he had declined. 

“Hey Phil,” Dan said, his voice cracking a little “How’s Florida?”

“Oh you know hot and sticky, but sunny too.” 

Dan smiled “That sounds nice, what are you guys getting up to?”

“We are probably going to go out in a bit, but I wanted to check in with you first. How are you doing?” Phil asked hesitantly just on the last few words 

“Fine,” Dan lied “I was just about to get up and go into town.” Which was also a lie.   
“That’s great Dan!” Phil enthused “Um could you do something for me though?” He said suddenly sounding serious 

“Of course.” Dan said perking up a little 

“I was hoping maybe you could make a video or do a live show today?”

Dan felt a sudden rush of blood to his brain and his vision went blurry. 

“Um…” Dan said shaking out of it a bit 

“Its just that I am getting also sorts of Tumblr messages and tweets from your fans. They’re worried about you.” Phil said “They haven’t heard from you in a very long time.” 

“I’ve gone longer without making a video.” Dan said honestly.

“Yeah, but you hadn’t gone AWOL during those months.” Phil reminded him “You tweeted a lot and did other things that put you in contact with your viewers. Now…they…don’t know what’s going on. Maybe it would be best to explain some things to them?”

“Maybe.” Dan said flatly and without interest 

“Promise me that you’ll do something Dan?” 

“Ok.”

Right as he was about to hang up Phil’s voice chimed in “Good luck.” Before signing off. 

As the call ended, Dan was left staring at his own reflection on the phone screen. He saw how tired his eyes looked, and how sad he looked. It didn’t take long to realize that Phil had been seeing this too; he had seen the dark circles under Dan’s sunken eyes and the hollowness in his cheeks. He shivered at the thought of Phil seeing that, it wasn’t fair to do that to Phil, he deserved better. 

He got out of bed slowly, made some cereal and drank a mug of coffee. None of it really tasted as good as it used to, but at least it was something. 

He climbed into the shower and turned the nob far to the left, releasing a scalding spray of water from the tap. It was too hot, but Dan didn’t really feel like doing anything about it. 

He put on some new clean clothes, and brushed his hair and teeth. Looking in the mirror he decided that it was better than nothing. 

Once he was back in his room, he made eye contact with his laptop on his desk and his stomach dropped like an elevator. 

“You can do this.” He said walking closer to the silver machine “You can do this.” 

As he touched it, a fine layer of dust came off on his fingers and he felt strange remorse. This shouldn’t be a hard thing to do; this had been something that he had loved, why did it feel like a chore like everything else?

He opened the screen and logged onto YouNow. He pressed “Go Live” and waited. 

Opening another tab he made a tweet, saying that he was live. 

Within seconds the tweet had hundreds of replies and favorites and retweets even. Some of the responses chastised him for being absent for too long, but most of them rejoiced his return. 

“Hey guys!” He said as happily and as energetically as he could manage. 

The side bar exploded with comments. 

“DAN!!!” One read simply 

“OMFG HES NOT DEAD GUYS??” Said another 

The phrase Dad or some variation appeared in long strings of up to ten in a row. It made his chuckle a little on the inside. 

“Sorry I’ve been gone for so long,” he said, “I’ve been getting lots of other stuff done, and it was hard to balance everything else with it.” He lied through his teeth. 

Comments reading “Are you okay?” Started popping up immediately. They saw through it. Was it that obvious? He looked at his reflection in the camera again, and decided that…yeah it was. 

“Yeah I’m fine guys,” he said “Sorry I’ve been such a bad cult leader.” He said with a laugh. 

He’d forgotten, but it felt good to laugh. 

“What happened at the Con?” read one comment 

“I tweeted about that,” he reminded the audience “It was just some food poisoning, its all fine now.”

“So will you be posting a video soon??” Several posts read 

“Um I’d like to, but it might still be a while.”

That was met with a predictable response of moans and groans. 

“Are you okay Dan? You look sick!” Said one comment

He froze, and stared at it. He didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t ready to come clean no matter what Phil wanted, but he couldn’t help it if people figured it out first. Those good feelings he had just felt melted away, and he could feel his pulse racing suddenly unsettle by what was happening. 

He scrolled past the comment hoping to ignore it and put it out of mind. But he wasn’t the only one that had seen it, the whole chat suddenly erupted into comments just like it.

“OMG you’re right he looks sick??”

“Dan tell us the truth, why were you gone?!”

“Why is he lying??”

“What really happened at he convention Dan??”

Before he really new what he was doing he panicked visibly. He would later see Gifs of himself online, his eyes bulging and his movement quick but hesitant as he slammed the laptop shut. He hadn’t meant to, but it had felt like an interrogation, he couldn’t respond honestly and so he felt overwhelmed and freaked. 

It did not make the fans any less suspicious; in fact it had made everything worse. As usual he fucked up and had made everything worse.

A text from Phil woke him from his light and anxious sleep that night.

“I saw your live show.” It said “R U OK?”

He felt bile shoot up into his throat and his blood pressure skyrocket. 

“Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to do that just yet.” 

“Maybe not.” Phil admitted “Sorry for pressuring you.”

At that same time, in a different time zone. Phil lay in his bed, feeling guilt and regret. He had seen the fear in his friend’s eyes as he was confronted with things that he wasn’t ready to deal with. Phil couldn’t help but feel responsible for putting Dan, in his fragile state, onto the Internet to ultimately become a Gif on tumblr and a hashtag (#Danskeepingsecrets) on twitter. 

“Its okay, not your fault.” Dan responded in his text 

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like that though,” Phil typed “You had me worried.”

“Its fine, really. This has been a long time coming I guess.”

“Yeah, just promise me you wont do anything drastic before I come back home?”  
“Like what?” 

“Oh I don’t know I just mean like take it easy.”

“No that’s not what you meant was it Phil?” Dan responded, event though it was a text Phil could hear the resentment in Dan’s words. 

“I really didn’t mean anything Dan.”

“Yes you did, you think I’m crazy or something don’t you? What do you think I’m going to do Phil? ”

“Dan I’m worried about you.”

“Well don’t worry. I’m not going to try to kill myself. Not again.” 

Phil felt his heart leap out of his chest as he read and re-read. 

Again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes mentions of past suicide attempts and an explanation for these actions which may be triggering to some so read with caution.

After they talked, their conversation was all that Phil could think about. What did Dan mean again? Had he tried to kill himself before? Had it been recent? Had something like this happened to Dan before? It was these questions that haunted Phil and kept him awake the last nights of his vacation. Eventually it got so bad that he decided that he couldn’t wait to find out any longer, and he left early. His parents didn’t understand and they were saddened when he told them one morning that he had made plans to leave several days early, but they let him go anyway. 

Phil had tried to get more information from Dan, but he had stopped responding and he hadn’t texted Phil back since coming clean. He had gone full radio silent and it made Phil’s stomach twist into horrible knots every time he thought back to those few words. 

The Red-Eye flight that Phil booked was nearly empty; everyone was still enjoying the warm Florida air and their holiday overseas. It seemed like a longer flight this time around. He couldn’t sit still either, the few people on the flight with him kept chastising him to sit still, but he couldn’t help but fidget. 

After he landed in Heathrow, Phil took a taxi back to their apartment and sprinted up their many stairwells. He opened the door with his key and yelled into the apartment, there was no response. 

Admittedly his first response was to panic. He crept slowly around each corner, terrified of what he might find in each room that he walked by. He continued to call Dan’s name, but no one called back. 

He ripped open Dan’s bedroom door with a brash wave of adrenaline making him bolder and braver. 

Dan jumped as his door slammed open. He gazed over at Phil standing in his doorway. 

“Phil?” He said pulling out one ear-bud “You’re home early.” 

“Dan…” Phil breathed exasperatedly “You didn’t respond…I didn’t know what h-“ 

Once the initial shock had faded Dan looked down at his phone in shame; he couldn’t face Phil after accidentally letting the truth slip. He had assumed that he would have had a few more days to prepare an excuse, but here Phil was standing in his bedroom several days early. 

Phil set his bag down in the doorway and walked in slowly, sitting down on the corner of Dan’s black, white and grey-checkered duvet. He took a moment to calm his breathing and collect some courage before finally speaking. 

“What did you mean ‘again’ Dan?” 

Dan swallowed hard “Nothing.” He said shaking, clearly a lie. 

“Don’t give me that Dan!” Phil yelled suddenly clenching his fist “That is not the truth and you know it.”

“Because I don’t want to talk about it Phil!” Dan screamed back suddenly in tears “Its none of your goddamn business, its mine.”

Phil was quiet but his eyes remained a steely and constant force. 

“I know its not my business,” Phil said softer “But like it or not we live together, we are best friends, we are huge parts of each others lives and I care about you. So tell me the truth because it affects me too.” 

Dan let lose a sob. It wasn’t easy for him. He had never told anyone before, he had never even really admitted it to himself but he remembered every second of it. He could feel the memory burning behind his eyes. He started to shake and tremble, another cry escaping, tears streaming down his face.

“I’ve tried to kill myself before Phil,” he said in between uneven shaky breaths “Not all of this is new to me.” 

Phil had assumed all of this, but hearing it confirmed was like a blow to the stomach. He wanted to ask a million questions but he just stayed quite. 

“Before I knew you,” Dan started “Before I could have even dreamt about any of this, I was just a kid who felt alone in the world. I didn’t really have many friends in school, my parents were gone a lot and it gave me too much time alone with my thoughts I guess.”

Dan took a deep breath, trying to steady his breathing. 

“I didn’t even know that I was depressed or anything, I was just sad and tired of everything. Nothing felt quite right, like it wasn’t real and like I wasn’t even alive,” Dan continued, “After a while of that it didn’t get better. Then when everyone I knew was starting to look at college and careers, I couldn’t relate and I felt like I was being left behind. My parents were pressuring me to go into law, as you know, and I was crushed that my future wasn’t even mine to chose.” 

Phil just nodded, he couldn’t help it but a few empathetic tears of his own were escaping. 

“I just didn’t think anything mattered and one night I tried to kill myself.” 

“Dan…” Phil whispered but Dan shook his head, determined to finish his story now that he had begun 

“I took a bunch of pills, and in true emo fashion I blasted My Chemical Romance loud enough that the room shook,” Dan said sadly with a macabre chuckle “It clearly didn’t work, and in the morning I was glad of it, but it did happen, I don’t want to deny that anymore.” 

Phil placed his hand on Dan’s still trembling shoulder. 

“Dan I am so sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say, advice would just be cheesy and unhelpful, even sentiment would seem forced and awkward; there was nothing that he could say that would help. Except maybe…

“I don’t think that you’re crazy,” Phil said, recalling his words from his text 

Dan looked up, his eyes red and puffy. 

“I don’t. But I am worried about you Dan.”

“I’m so sorry Phil,” Dan said breaking down into sobs again, convulsing and shivering “I’m so sorry Phil, I’m so sorry, I’m so….”

“Okay, okay Dan.” Phil said soothingly trying to calm down his friend 

“I didn’t even want to die, I just didn’t want to be living the life that I was living,” Dan said breathing heavier “I started to look at it like a way out, like if I ever was that alone or that sad or that exhausted I could always just end it all.”

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s torso squeezing him in a tight caress. 

Dan sat in the silence of the room after that. Phil’s arms still wrapped around him, but neither of them were talking. He heard his own words over and over in his ears, echoing. The more he thought about his confession, he felt free. Like a weight was gone. His secret was out and now it couldn’t hurt him anymore. It was a relief but also a new pressure in and of itself. His breathing continued to intensify, until he was on the brink of hyperventilation. 

“Dan, this is all my fault.” Phil said 

Dan broke away from him in that moment. He dried a tear on his cheek. 

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m not sure exactly how but I made you feel sad and tired and all of those things all over again.” 

“No,” Dan said adamantly shaking his head violently “This isn’t like last tim-“

“No but it is,” Phil insisted “I was the one that introduced you to YouTube, I was the one that helped you get started on there. I’m the reason any of this started again in the first place.” 

“No you’re not Phil, I can make my own decisions.”

“I heard you on the plane Dan,” Phil finally admitted “You said exactly that, that I was at fault because I was the reason you even joined.”

“I was mad Phil! I didn’t mean it.”

“Even so, you can’t possibly deny that you had some of these problems underlying, and that they only resurfaced because of YouTube. I made you feel all of those things again and maybe it triggered you or something, this is on me.”

“Phil you are the best person that I know, this is not your fault, its mine.”

Phil bowed his head and then made eye contact with Dan. 

“I think that we need some time apart.” 

“What are you talking about? You were just on vacation.” Dan said slowly with a nervous chuckle, his face still wet and puffy. 

“I don’t mean like that,” Phil said “I think I should move out for a while.”

“No!” Dan said, maybe too fiercely and too quickly in response. He had meant it to sound adamant but it came out weak and like he was begging. 

“I think I have to, I’m at the root of this so I need to be gone if you are going to get better.”

Dan felt his vision blur. “Like you said though we are a part of each others lives, we are best friends Phil please I need you! Please don’t abandon me you are so much of my life.”

“Well maybe being ‘Dan and Phil’ is too much for us both,” Phil said standing back up “We need to take a brake and become less co-dependent on each other. It’s not good for either of us. You had me scared Dan, when we talked and then you didn’t respond I didn’t know what to think. You let me think that maybe you killed yourself. That’s not something friends do to each other.”

“I’m sorry Phil,” Dan said in almost a whisper “I won’t do that to you ever again.”

“But Dan what if one day you get hit extra hard by some stress or an existential crises or whatever else? What then? I feel like I cant trust you anymore and I cant be around until I can.” 

“I’m sorry!” Dan repeated at a loss for words 

“Don’t be sorry Dan, just get better.”

“How can I do that when you aren’t here?!”

“Stop living for other people, and start living for yourself. Don’t be Dan of ‘Dan and Phil’ don’t even be ‘Danisnotonfire’ for while, just be Dan Howell.”

“Phil…I’m sorry.”

“I know, I’ll call you later. Take care of yourself Dan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is (1-800-273-8255) if you or someone you know struggles with something as serious as depression or suicidal tendencies please reach out for help. Be safe. The advice given in this story is not necessarily accurate so please find professional help if you are struggling, it is never too late to ask for help.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to mention here that this chapter has a few moments that might be considered 'Phan' moments but can be interpreted any way you want. Happy reading!

It had been a little over a week since Phil left, and he was still aching from it. Something about his own words haunted him. He kept replaying the entire scene in his head, and he couldn’t help but see himself as the villain. Dan needed to get better, and it was true that Phil couldn’t help him and he might even be the problem like he had suggested, but he seriously questioned his actions. Now, after a long day he couldn’t go home, and he couldn’t see Dan—two of the things that usually made his day better. It was hard to remind himself everyday not to go to certain stores or shops because he might run into Dan there, and he just couldn’t risk that. 

He was staying with Chris on the other side of the city, it was a nice change but he knew that it could only be temporary. He could feel the hole in his life where Dan used to fit, and it hurt every time he turned to his side and didn’t see Dan there, or when he’d make a joke or a reference that Dan would usually get but Chris would chuckle and ask him to explain it. There was a void, but it was there for a good reason. This would all be worth it once Dan got better. Phil was sure of that. 

At one point Phil had sent Dan a text just to check in, a moment of weakness for him, but Dan never responded. Phil spent a lot of his time online trying to research of find answers, some quick fix for everything that went wrong, and well…he was still looking. 

“Want some tea?” Chris said taking a seat next to Phil on his sofa, a mug in his hand. The early evening sunset peaked in through the curtains leaving vivid shadows throughout the room. 

“Uh no thanks.” Phil said, his laptop open on his lap, his own personal browsing position enabled. 

“Anything interesting on that ole’ Internet thing.” Chris said in his own weird Chris Kendall way 

“Not really there’s this funny video of a salamander getting his belly scratched though,” Phil said turning his screen to face Chris, trying to show him “It’s really funny.”

Chris bent over awkwardly to view the screen, while trying not to spill his drink. 

“Oh yeah that’s pretty goo-“ Chris stopped himself. He swallowed hard. “Um…mate, you’ve…got an update pop up.”

“Oh sorry I’ll get rid of it,” Phil said turning the laptop back to himself but stopping in his tracks. 

‘Youtube: Danisnotonfire NEW VIDEO!’ Read the banner in the corner of his screen. It was possibly the last thing that Phil had expected to see that day.   
“What the…” Phil mumbled under his breath as he clicked the banner and was directed to a video. 

“Goodbye Internet” Read the title of the video. Phil’s blood ran cold. 

 

“No…” Was all he could say. 

Dan’s face appeared on the screen. He looked pale and sick, weak and tired, just like the last time that Phil had seen him. There was a glossy coat over his sunken eyes and his hollow cheeks lacked the pinkish red that they used to have. He did not look well. 

“I’m really sorry guys, I haven’t been honest with any of you,” Dan started sounding distressed and muddled “I want to make it all right, and that starts with me coming clean about everything. And I mean everything.”

Phil panicked and paused the video, running to his guest room before maximizing the volume counter and unpausing the video. 

“This all started several months ago at a YouTube convention that you all probably remember. And if you remember it anything like I do, you may never forget it. Because it was the first sign that something wasn’t right with me,” Dan blinked away some tears and took in a deep breath “I don’t know what was wrong with me then, but its not the same thing that is wrong now. Before I think it was all circumstance, I was an idiot and let my surroundings govern me, but now I think that was a catalyst for whatever is happening now.”

Phil’s eyes were glued to the screen, he felt himself lean forward completely engulfed in the moment. 

“I have been anxious and depressed over the weeks since, and its just been getting worse. Now I don’t even mean existentially depressed like I have been in the past, I mean something much more literal. I have lost control of my life, and I can’t take it anymore.” One single tear escaped from his left eye and he didn’t even react to it or brush it away. “I don’t know if there is a label for this, but this is something worse than anything I’ve ever dealt with and I don’t think that I can beat it. I just…I cant fight it any longer.” 

Phil felt a scream escape his clamped lips. 

“But I want to clarify! I’m not going to do anything crazy, so don’t worry about that, for me that’s not an option anymore. But I do need to do something, I need to change everything if I ever want to get back to normal.” His pale face was turning red with emotion and he ran his thin fingers through his messy hair sighing loudly “And I think because of this, I need to leave YouTube.”  
Phil was stunned. He should have expected it maybe, but he still couldn’t force himself to believe what he was hearing. YouTube was Dan’s entire life before all of this, it was his happiness and his passion, and it was his reason for getting up in the morning. And now he was leaving it all behind. 

 

“For me this is a really really hard decision,” Dan said choking up, his voice cracking “I met all of my friends through YouTube, and I made my entire life around YouTube. This was not a decision that I took lightly.” 

Dan stopped talking and his eyes looked straight into the camera in a way that Phil could tell was mean for him. It was as if Dan was speaking only to him. 

“I met Phil through YouTube, and so many of you as well, so I will never forget it, but I need to leave it behind,” Dan said “I know many of you will be sad, but don’t worry. In time my channel will be abandoned and all of you will move on to bigger and better things. My name won’t mean anything in a few years time, and you all will have forgotten. But that’s okay! It is, really. You move on with your lives, please, but know that I will never forget any of you or the amazing journey that we went on together. Ever. So one final time…Goodbye Internet.” 

The camera switched off and the screen went black. Leaving Phil looking at his own reflection on the screen. 

He sat in silence, his heart pounding in his ears; His blood pulsing through his veins like jet fuel. 

It wasn’t a difficult decision after that. Phil was on the underground five minutes later, on his way home. 

He tore up the flight of stairs, rounding each corner like a mad man, swinging his own weight around each corner just trying to get there faster. His legs and arms pumping like the powerful pistons of a machine. Sweat pouring down the side of his face.

He pounded on the door finding that he was locked out, having left his key at Chris’s house. 

“Dan! Dan!” Phil pleaded pounding on the door with a closed fist “Dan please open the door!”

There was no response. 

Without even thinking, Phil backed up a few steps and rammed the heel of his foot into the door. The door broke open, surrendering to the force.

He couldn’t help but remember the last time that he had been in his home like this, but this was different. Instead of rounding each corner with caution he sprinted from doorway to doorway-screaming Dan’s name. 

The apartment was empty. 

Phil felt dread rising in his chest. Where would Dan go if not here? 

Where does a person go when they have nowhere else? Where does someone run to when they are alone? What’s the one place where every person feels safest? 

Home.

With ferocity, Phil flew down those stairs again, his legs burning and his lungs begging him to rest. 

He was at Kings Crossing only a short taxi ride later. A ticket in his hand, he sat in a padded seat bouncing his knee anxiously, heading the one place that both he and Dan considered home—Manchester. 

During the ride, night fell completely. The burnt orange sky faded into cobalt, and the stars came out from hiding. Phil kept trying to reach Dan on his phone, but he wouldn’t respond to any text or call. 

PJ and Chris checked in from time to time, Louise did too all of them were concerned having seen Dan’s video. They each suggested places that he might have gone, but Phil ignored them all, insisting that he knew Dan’s mind best and that only he could know what Dan was thinking. 

Phil couldn’t help but think that all of this was his fault. He was too fast, too heartless. He had taken a vulnerable person and out of anger and frustration walked out on then when they told him that they needed him the most. 

“Why didn’t I listen?” Phil demanded of himself countless times over the journey. Every time the train hit a hard curve or went over a bout of rickety tracks Phil bent his head in-between his knees to stop from throwing up. He was ashamed, but more than anything else he was in a rush. He needed to find Dan and he needed to tell him that he was sorry. 

Nothing else mattered. 

Once the train arrived, Phil was hit with a bitter wind layered with a familiar smog, this was Manchester all right. 

Where would Dan run to next? One of their favorite shops? The milkshake stand? Their old apartment?

No, there was one other place; a place that had defined their time in Manchester together. The fountain. 

As Phil ran along a street corner, dodging pedestrians and vehicles alike he kept picturing that old fountain they both used to love. It was a few kilometers from their buildings, with spouts that would spray them if they walked to close on a windy day. Phil saw in in his head the way that he had captured it in their videos, and the way that he saw it every day when he would walk past. 

Phil hurried along a side street, passing under metal street lamps, his shadow passing under them like a long streak. He could hear the distant sound of rushing water ahead as he drew closer. As the fountain came into his vision, Phil could see the outline of a tall man standing beside the water’s edge. 

“Dan…” Phil breathed in relief, before yelling “DAN!” and waving his arms like a mad man 

Phil leapt the last few steps before clamping his hand on the figure’s shoulder and spinning then around. 

“Dan!” Phil squealed, “I can’t believe that I finally found yo-“

The man turned around, and it was most definitely not Dan. 

Phil stumbled back a few steps, his head spinning. 

“You alright mate?” the man asked hesitantly

“Uh yeah, sorry to bother you…I thought you were someone…else.” 

The man nodded awkwardly before scuttling off in a hurry. 

Phil’s heart sunk like a brick. He felt a dazed confusion settle over him, out of sheer dizziness he collapsed onto the sidewall of the fountain. 

Dan wasn’t here. He had been wrong. 

“Damn it…” Phil said clamping his eyes shut and smashing his fist against the concrete. 

After a moment, Phil rubbed his eyes and dipped his hands into the fountain scooping out a shallow cup of water and washing it over his face. The cold water soothed the burning in his cheeks, but did nothing else for the rest of him. 

“Where could you have gone Dan…where could you have gone that I wouldn’t have been able to guess it? Did I ever even know you at all…”

It was pride, Phil thought, it was his pride and his stupidity that had gotten him here. He had been so sure that he knew Dan that he had done all of this. He was wrong clearly, so maybe he wasn’t the expert, maybe he didn’t have the connection with Dan that he thought he had. 

“Phil?” Came a voice from the darkness “Phil is that you?” 

Phil raised his head slowly before letting his eyes rest on his friend standing there in the shadows. His black jeans and shirt helped him to blend into the shade, like he was a part of it. A cup of fresh coffee was in his hand, steam still seeping from the lid. 

“Phil what are you…” Dan tried, before trying again “Phil how did you know to come here?”

“Because I know you.” Phil said breathlessly, standing up and walking to his friend. He wasn’t wrong after all, he did know Dan, he did and this proved it. 

Dan’s eyes fell into sad crescents as Phil came closer. 

“I’m sorry Phil,” he said “I’m sure you saw the video and freaked out…everyone kind of did. That was my fault for letting it all out at once like that. But I was just trying to get better and rely on myself and change something like you said.” 

Phil just lurched forward and wrapped his arms around Dan. At first Dan felt ridged and on guard, but he relaxed into the hug after a moment and coiled his arms around Phil as well, tilting his head down onto Phi’s shoulder. 

“Come home Dan.” Phil said softly

Dan squeezed Phil tighter “I already am.”


	8. Chapter 8

After that night it wasn’t hard to return to London the following morning. This time with Dan by his side, Phil boarded their train and took his seat. 

“You know I am sorry about all of this Phil.” Said Dan staring out the window blankly 

“I know. But we have done too much apologizing and too much promising. Lets let actions speak not words for once.”

“Yeah…”

Dan was silent for the rest of the ride. 

He didn’t understand how, but there were dozens of fans waiting for them at Kings Cross when their train finally arrived. The word must have gotten out that they were in Manchester and had come back home. 

Eger fans cheered when they stepped off of the platform, some had signs and some had merch shirts but all of them were screaming. There was something different about them though. Somehow their screaming felt off—Phil had heard fan girls screaming countless times and so he could tell when something was wrong. 

They weren’t necessarily quitter, Phil thought, nor were they less excitable or supportive in their actions. But it was something. It was like they were waiting. Waiting to let loose the full throttle screaming that they were capable of. 

Phil turned to his side and saw Dan there. Usually he was the one that got the girls screaming, but he seemed to almost intimidate them now, they were wary of him.   
With Dan’s pale skin and sick looking eyes and features, it wasn’t hard to guess why. They were trying to be delicate. They didn’t want to come on too strong or put Dan on the spot. They were trying to be cautious. 

Phil took a few pictures with the fans and signed a few autographs. Dan stood to the outside of the group looking in. The fans didn’t dare to ask him for pictures or autographs and he deliberately stayed away from them so they wouldn’t be tempted to.   
Once they broke through the crowd they started to walk home, a long walk given, but a taxi just didn’t sound right, they needed to walk and talk a few things out. 

“What was that back there?” Asked Phil 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you ignoring those fans.”  
“I wasn’t ignoring them.” Dan said kind of offended 

“Then what do you call standing off to the side like that all aloof and alone?”

“Phil…they wanted a picture with their favorite YouTuber.” Said Dan shrugging “And…well I’m not a YouTuber anymore. They don’t need me, they don’t want me. I’m not worth anything to them anymore, I cant give them anything back.”

Phil felt each of those words as Dan spoke them, they were heavy and they clearly took a lot of guts to speak. 

“You could be, if you wanted…be a YouTuber again I mean.” Said Phil 

“I was pretty final in my video, I think that was the end.” 

Phil’s heart broke a little. They passed a few storefronts before Phil tried to speak again after that. 

“Well a lot of them still like you, you don’t have to disappear completely.”

“No I don’t. But I think I should.”

They returned home and Dan disappeared to his room. When Phil knocked on Dan’s door a few hours later, Dan was asleep with the curtains drawn and the light outside where it belonged. It was the second time that day that something had felt off, but this time Phil wasn’t sure what it was. 

It wasn’t until the next morning that Phil saw Dan again. 

He came into their kitchen wearing the same clothes as the day before; his matted hair was a mess of untouched slightly curly bedhead. 

“Do you want some cereal?” Phil asked shaking their box of Shreddies in the air   
“Uh yeah sure.” 

They ate in silence. But this time Dan broke it. 

“Do you think that I was too hasty with that video?”

Phil chewed his cereal slowly, trying to buy time in which he could think of an answer. 

“I cant say if I think that it was right or not, but I mean its not set in stone Dan, you could undo all of this and start again like nothing happened.”

“But something did happen Phil.” Dan said suddenly very interested in his bowl and spoon   
“I know, but you can move passed it and forget.”

“I don’t want to forget,” He said solemnly “For once in my life I want to own up to myself and my mistakes and my misgivings and my faults. I am done denying them. I need to face some consequences.”

“Dan no one blames you, this wasn’t you fault that this happened.”

“Nevertheless its better this way.”

Phil put down his spoon from where it had been—halfway up to his mouth, piled high with slightly milky squares of frosted wheat. 

“What is better this way?” He asked hesitantly 

“Um…well,” Dan stuttered, “I kind of…deleted my YouTube channel last night.”

Phil heard his metal spoon clatter against the ceramic bowl below as it fell form his numb fingertips. 

“You did what…”

“I moved on.”

“Dan…you realize that there is no coming back from that right? You just lost almost 6 million subscribers.”

“I know.” 

Phil tried to look at Dan but it was hard, somehow he felt hurt. Like somehow this was personal, an attack on Phil by Dan just out of spite. 

“So what now?” Asked Phil a little bitterly “No YouTube means no job, what’s next for you then.”

“I don’t know.”

Phil tried to stop himself from cursing—a habit that he had only recently gotten bad at doing. 

“Damnit Dan, of course you don’t know! So I guess there is your answer: YES, yes it was a hasty decision. But there are still opportunities out there, this doesn’t have to be the end.”

Dan moved around the cereal pieces in his bowl with his spoon, refusing to meet Phil’s eyes. 

He pushed the bowl away and stood up. 

“I’ve just decided that I’m not very hungry after all.” 

“Dan! Where are you going now?”

“I don’t know Phil! No one does. After all the world is my fucking oyster right?!” 

“Dan…” Phil said weakly as his friend stormed off 

The next few days were all like that. They were cold and lonely, somehow the warmth of their night in Manchester had all gone, and they had drifted back to basics.

By about the time that a week had passed, Phil awoke to the sound of muffled sort of energetic screaming in Dan’s room. He jumped from his own bed, and ran out of his door. 

“Dan? What is it what’s wrong?” 

Dan was sitting at his desk his laptop open to his email; one specific letter was open and zoomed in on. 

“Dan what is that?”

Dan turned in his chair; a strange and at this point almost unnatural smile was plastered onto Dan’s face. The old Dan that smiled all of the time would have look natural, but this version of him looked more like Heath Ledger’s The Joker. 

“I just got an Email from the BBC.” He said with that creepy smile still going strong 

“And…?”

“And they want me to direct a documentary for them about online culture.” His words were sputtered and fragmented like he too couldn’t believe it. 

“That’s amazing Dan!”

“Yeah….” He said “But the thing is, that The Daily Mail also just emailed me and they want me to write a column for them Reviewing music and pop culture.” 

Phil felt speechless. 

“I can’t believe this,” Dan said “I just…can’t….”

“What are you going to do?”

“I-I don’t know…I mean I can’t just turn them down right?”

“Do you want to?”

“No! Of course not.”

“Then what’s stopping you?” 

It was Dan’s turn to be speechless; he furrowed his brow and tried to think. What could possibly make him think twice about this? These were both amazing offers! Which would he chose? Could he do both? Of course he could if he wanted to. So why not? It would be hard but he…could handle it…

He stopped. That was what was preventing him.

“I don’t want to go backwards Phil.”

“’Backwards’ what do you mean?”

“I don’t want to start all of this all over again, what if I can’t handle the pressure again? What if I freak out again?”

“Learn from this time then, don’t make those mistakes again.” Phil said

Dan nodded slowly 

“You can do whatever you want Dan, really I believe in you. Just be smart, stopping living for other people and live for yourself as well.”

“I want to do it Phil.” Dan said finally nodding his head definitely 

“Then do it!” 

“But I cant always work for myself, that’s not who I am. I can’t heal because trying to live for everyone was killing me and so was trying to only work for myself.”

“So what then?”

Dan looked back to his email screen and typed a quick and formal reply graciously accepting the opportunity. 

“So I don’t do it for the entire world, and I don’t do it for selfish reasons either.”

Dan looked at the stacks of Fan art hanging in his room, and the Silver and Golden Play Buttons that leaned haphazardly against his wall. He remembered the meaningful tweets from fans when he was feeling down and he remembered the amazing things that they all did for him. He would be nothing without his fans. They gave him his first glimpse of joy and contentment ever, and he could never give them back enough. 

A lot of who he was and the persona that he had built were because of his fans—fans who he hadn’t realized until now loved him for him, not for his channel or his fame or any success that he might have present or future.

Dan opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a warn out yet still soft tan colored garment. He smoothed out the fleecy fabric exposing his Llama hat from so many years ago—a gift from a fan, which had helped him to build himself up and find the first real happiness in his life. 

“So what are you going to do it for?”

Dan swiveled in his chair and pressed send with a confident and at peace smile, sealing his future with one promise both to others and to himself. 

“I am going to do it for them.”


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About a year later…

It had been just a little under a year since Dan had agreed to write for the Daily Mail and direct a documentary for the BBC. And it had been a little over a year since everything had that started him on this track had taken place. Dan admitted, to himself at least, that it was hard making a new life for himself and it was like walking on eggshells for the first few weeks just to be sure he didn’t start falling backwards again. 

He remembered his promise of course, the one that made to his fans out loud and the one that he made silently in the back of his head to himself and Phil. He thought about those promises everyday at first, because he needed a reminder of why he was doing what he was doing but soon he could remember less and less. 

None of this is to say that Dan wanted to forget this past year in his life, but he did want to put it behind him and move on and little by little that got easier, and he slowly stopped needed to rely on his promise as a mantra to get him through the days. Soon he could do that himself. 

Dan remembered how isolated and how weak he had felt during that year and looking at his own reflection now, he realized that he didn’t feel that way any more. 

The full body mirror in his dressing room was lit well and he felt somewhat glamorous having his own dressing room backstage. He scanned up and down admiring his new snazzy suit and his new haircut, which he couldn’t seem to stop fixing and playing with. 

“Fringe check?” Phil asked slipping into the dressing room, dressed up in a new suit of his own

“Haha, yeah pretty much,” Dan said make a few last minute alterations

“Are you ready?” Phil asked with a smile

“Yeah.” Dan said in a way that wasn’t weak but in way inspired confidence 

“This isn’t going to be like last time Dan.” Phil reminded him

“I know,” Dan said “It’s just that this is my first time being out on a stage since…you know the convention…and It’s just bringing some stuff back.”

Phil put his hand firmly on Dan’s shoulder. 

“You are going to be your usual charming awesome self and I will be there to be even more charming and awesome.” Phil said with a somewhat sarcastic smirk before straightening his bow tie in Dan’s mirror behind him. 

Dan couldn’t help but smile, what a nerd.   
“Its going to be fine,” Phil said squeezing his shoulder reassuringly “I promise.” 

There was a knock on the door and a stage attendant came in and handed Phil the sealed envelop that they would be reading out on stage, the words “the BRITS” were printed elegantly on top of the golden paper and “Best British Vlogger” was typed smaller just below. 

“You ready?” Phil said opening the door and taking the first step outside the room

Dan breathed in deeply closing his eyes and then forcefully out again. “Hell yes.”

They stood backstage for a few minutes and then when given their cues, marched out onto the open stage. Flashing bright lights caught both of their attentions, as did the enormous crowds that filled the vast hall. All of them screaming at once at the sight of Dan and Phil. 

“Hello and welcome to the Brits awards!” Phil said enticingly just as they had rehearsed “I am Phil Lester, from YouTuber and from Radio One.”

“And I am Dan Howell of Radio One and of the Daily Mail—and as of tonight at 9 BBC, as that is when my documentary will be airing,” Dan said with a good natured laugh before adding in surreptitiously “Cheeky plug.” 

“And we are here to announce the best British Vlogger of the past year.” Said Phil 

“So lets take a look at our nominations for tonight.” Dan said smoothly following Phil

Up overhead the oversized screens showed Clips from famous YouTube Vloggers. Dan watched Zoe flash up briefly doing some sort of challenge with Alfie, then Louise playing with Darcy in a park on a sunny day, and Joe slapping Caspar Lee in the face with what appeared to be some sort of fish or Eel. 

Dan couldn’t help but feel a tug of nostalgia. He had been one of these people once, and now…he hadn’t made a video in ages aside from appearing in a few random episodes of the newly renamed “PHILGames” and he hadn’t even talked to Zoe or Louise or Joe in several months! He felt a warmness in his stomach though watching all of his old friends succeeding; it felt good to see them all happy. 

Just as the last nominee rolled around Dan was about to open up his mouth and recite his next prepared line when he heard a familiar voice from the screen’s speakers—his own. 

He spun around in a hurry to see his own face up on display. A clip from a drafted video that he had made but never posted playing over head and the words ‘Danisnotonfire’ at the bottom of the screen.

He turned awkwardly to see Phil standing next to him with a goofy smile. 

“How?” He asked covering is microphone

“I published a few of your unaired videos on my channel, just enough of them so that you might qualify.” Phil said under his breath and away from the microphone pinned to his lapel 

The clip ended and Dan was gob smacked. He was supposed to be saying his next line but he couldn’t seem to remember what it was. Thankfully Phil jumped in, remembering both of their lines for them. 

“Now lets see who our winner is!”

Phil tore open the golden envelope and time seemed to slow. 

Dan watched as Phil pulled up the card and read the name. Dan couldn’t seem to register what was now all over Phil’s face was he happy? No that wasn’t it. Sad? No not quite but maybe closer. It was disappointed he finally decided. 

“Zoe Sugg aka Zoella!” Phil said not for a second letting his disappointment show in his face or his voice 

Zoe came out on stage dressed to the nines looking swanky and glamorous like only she could and made a gracious speech and thanked her viewers before accepting the trophy and gliding back behind the curtain. 

The award show wrapped, and as all of the celebrities and vloggers who had attended proceeded to the after party, Dan and Phi found themselves in a cab on the way back home. Phil was unusually silent but Dan wasn’t sure what to say so he just played on his phone until they got home. 

Phil tossed himself onto their couch and hugged a pillow tightly into his chest pouting slightly as he stared off into the ceiling. 

Dan came in a few minutes later with two mugs of tea freshly brewed and sat next to him. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I don’t know why I always get my hopes up, I was kind of hoping that you would win tonight.” 

Dan chuckled and Phil turned on his offended. 

“Why is that so funny?” he demanded somewhat hurt   
“Because Phil, barely qualified as is,” Dan said softly and at peace “I didn’t actually make those videos, I just filmed them.” 

“Yeah but they were still really good, like everything you do.”

Dan smiled and sipped his tea “Well I would have been grateful to have won, but I wont pretend that I am a vlogger anymore.” 

Phil sighed and shrunk into the sofa cushions 

“Do you miss it?”

“Yeah.” Dan said without hesitation. 

Phil sat up took his shoes off. Both of them were still wearing their suits only with ties undone and now their shoes both taken off. 

“But I mean I am happy with what I do now.” Dan reminded Phil 

“You can have more than one source of happiness.”

Dan smiled at Phil and felt his face go red. “I do.”

Phil switched the Channel to Dan’s documentary on BBC1 and sat a little bit closer to Dan. 

They watched an hour of Dan at various conventions in various cities talking to lots of people from lots of different place on the Internet and in the world. Phil smiled whenever Dan would interrupt the show to talk about what really happened and what the crew cut out, and they both laughed hysterically at the hilarious segues of Dan walking artistically through parks and down city sidewalks. 

As it ended Phil turned to Dan.

“That was really good Dan.”

“Thanks, I guess you are still making videos even when you’re not a YouTuber.”

“Hey I can’t change who I am.” Dan said laughing 

Phil nodded and got up sliding off his sport coat and getting ready to leave the room.

“Do you think that you’d ever try YouTube again?” 

“Yeah I guess,” Dan said casually “I do really miss having full control to be honest, its harder to make something genuine when there are other opinions and hands in the project that your own voice gets lost from time to time.”

“I’d watch you videos,” Phil said from the down the hall his voice echoing and dampened 

“It would be just like old times.” Dan yelled after him 

“Sempei and student at it again.” Phil’s voice rang out playfully

Dan chuckled to himself softly, and becoming softer slowly overtime until he was just sitting in silence with one thought now banging around inside his head. 

That night as he lay in bed he made a decision—a fast one, maybe a risky one, but the only what that felt natural—and that following morning, he turned on his camera.


End file.
